i accidentally stepped on an anthill today and i feel bad.
when i was a little kid, i used to kick over anthills because i thought it was fun to watch the ants run around, and i didn't feel bad. sometimes i would step on the ants too, and i wouldn't really feel bad. now when i accidentally kick over an anthill, i feel really bad. i think i feel extra bad because of all those times when i was a kid and i would kick over anthills and wouldn't feel bad. it feels good to confess this.
i have at times wondered if the kicking over anthills and stepping on ants as a kid thing was a sign that i'm a psychopath, the idea of which terrifies me. i've been scared i was a psychopath since i learned what one was, actually, and i don't think i've admitted that anywhere. i know psychopaths are supposed to have issues with relationships and issues with emotional shallowness but i sometimes wonder if the intense emotions i experience aren't really "emotions" and the emotions that real people experience are different somehow, entirely, from what i experience. not that psychopaths aren't real people, or human. i just think that, like... i don't know how to put it. but there's this construct in my mind, yeah? that i sometimes believe, and sometimes don't, and the rest of the time i don't believe but i know deep down that i'm in denial about it. that like ,there isn't really a word to describe what i am. i think "failure" or "monster" would come close.
i've actually identified with "monster" for a while. although "monster" when applied to humans has specific connotations like you've committed a crime or want to hurt others or something, and i don't want to hurt others or commit a crime. i just feel not human in a bad way.
as a related anecdote, i have a clear memory from summer of 2019 of begging my dad to treat me like a human being and him screaming at me "then act like one." i think that kind of summarizes it.
this isn't exactly painful, but more cathartic to write about.
i have to do better on my self-esteem!
now that i've written out the anthills thing, it seems kind of extreme to label a child a psychopath over it. maybe the reason for my distorted sense of self is partially because i hold my child self to an unaccountable standard.
6.4.2021
i want to diarize how i did as a child. the banalities of life in brief, clunky sentences.
6.3.2021
i'm doing so well. i have a good job, i have a boyfriend who i'm moving in with and possibly another friend as well, i'm cooking for myself every night, i'm vacuuming and taking out the trash and wiping surfaces, my room is clean. i have a lot of anxiety about my job, i think because of having been fired before and because i think i feel like i don't deserve this job, like i don't deserve to earn enough money to live comfortably and work from home. i think i'm self-sabotaging by underperforming, even though i'm doing my best. dealing with the customers who are mean gives me so much anxiety. i'll write about it another time. i'm very tired right now. i love you.
5.28.2021
it's such a nice rainy night tonight!!! i'm chilling in bed with the window open.
i have not posted about my real life in a while because so much has happened and i don't really want to go into all of it. i'm doing really well right now. some traumatic stuff happened, but i found a better job than walgreens (my choice, didnt get fired) and im saving to get a real apartment with c. i would say my self-care is at an all-time high. plus my room has been clean for a month. i don't feel like writing much because everything's going good and i don't wanna jinx it, plus i realized everyone's life is kind of boring for other people. i like making up stories right now. maybe next time i'll make up another story or i'll write about my life. who knows!
5.27.2021
imagine a room full of sand. not completely full of sand, or we wouldn't have anything to work with here, but about half filled with sand. moreover, the level here slopes. in one corner of the room, for instance, the sand reaches almost to the ceiling. but then it's a graceful descent to the other side of the room, where, at its lowest point, you're really only knee-deep. the walls are powder blue. you are aware that the room finished filling with sand a long time ago, and now it is perfectly still in here.
half-buried in the sand, several paces from you, you can see the corner of a wooden box.
5.25.2021
i know a man
i know a man and he lives in the dark, but not in a frightening way. he is a very tall and round fellow, a little bit like a skyscraper if you sanded the corners softer, and he has two white eyes and that's all. he uses his long arms to pick up old televisions and eat them. he is just black, it's sort of a gradation. when he talks it is a soft low gentle hum. he communicates to you in feelings rather than words. i enjoy his presesnce .
i like to see him standing in the streetlight watching moths. one day he'll be so tall he'll bump his head on the moon.
5.24.2021
others have said this before me, but i may like to live in a box. not a coffin, no. a cozy, ornate wooden box, like in the old days. with some kind of design, maybe a pastoral scene, carved on the outside. gilded, even? anyway. i know that conventional wisdom says humans need sunlight and water, but i am lucky enough to be at a life stage where in the right light i can believe that all conventional wisdom is socially constructed. i think i could live in a box. a box has walls. walls are comforting. walls are goalposts. walls are guidelines. walls are at straight right angles; they tell you what you can and can't. i would have to compress myself to fit inside, but i would know where i end and where i begin.
5.20.2021
i love how reluctant the sun is to set this time of year, like the sky is a childhood friend it hasn't seen in ten years, and it's doing everything it can to draw out the chance meeting.
went for a walk and made love with c on a nature trail at night. crickets chirping. smelled like flowers.
5.19.2021
missed it here.
3.8.2021
i have some spare diary entries from in between this date and the last few dates i want to add. because i wrote them in this paper journal c's mom got me for christmas. it's really cute. it's fuzzy and has cat ears.
i'm going to be a pharmacy technician, apparently, i got promoted after like four days, which is wild. i haven't said this here yet, but i got fired from my old job at the preschool. it's the first time i've been fired. when i told the people around me how it happened, they all said it sounded like i was fired for being trans, because the administration at that place was very pro-trump and conservative and i was just beginning to visibly transition. the environment at work had become increasingly hostile and i was being more and more shut out of my coworkers' conversations and treated rudely and it was becoming unbearable. they said it was "for the safety of the children" because "my reflexes aren't fast enough" but nothing bad has ever happened to a child in my care...... meanwhile my coworker literally lost a child and didn't notice until her mom came to pick her up and found her crying and alone and she gets to keep her job??
i didn't even get to say goodbye to my kids, and it hurts. i had to put the class photo i keep on my desk at home away.
it might have been a blessing in disguise though. like i said the environment was really stressful. also when shitty administration packs 20 3-year-olds in a room and you have to take care of all of them, that's really stressful! and you don't get to teach them anything. plus i was constantly getting deadnamed and misgendered. so i'm taking time to rethink if i want to work in early childhood education or elementary education or what. this job at a pharmacy is a million times less stressful. it's just stocking and doing the register... i'm going to be training in the actual pharmacy itself starting in a few days though. that's exciting.
it feels like it's supposed to be summer but its not summer yet. it's like, spiritually summer, you know? it has the essence of summer in the air, but it's cold.
oh, and i'm completely engrossed in writing a hunter x hunter fanfiction, it's all i think about all day. but if i get onto the topic of my artistic intentions with that i'll write another 1000 words and i'm getting kind of bored. so next time. love.
2.5.2021
tomorrow morning everything might change. so just in case, i'm marking tonight with my pencil as the last moment before.
2.1.2020
HAPPY FEBRUARY!!!!!!
i was just @ home all day. i had a dumb meeting with my landlord and my roommates. i hate my new roommate so much... i dont wanna get into it... i cant wait to move out of here and move in with c.... i might be moving soon!! i might have a job at the convenience store.... they asked me this morning if id be interested in a position at their other location but i cant get there so no. so they said ok were still conducting interviews....
i also got offered the job @ walgreens today. but it's like, not fully 30 hours all the time? basically? sooooo... i'm thinkin about it.
i guess i'm not doing anything tomorrow?? weird... feels so weird. i should organize and clean. i'm trying to be more disciplined.
i think leaving my old job was for the best, though. the work environment had become really toxic. i kind of want to take a break from childcare im not sure its for me... i know i want to work with kids, but maybe not 20 3-year-olds at once? lol. im still planning to try to get my k12 certification next academic year. maybe i shouldnt work with kids, maybe im not mentally well enough to be a good role model. maybe ill just fall into one of these retail jobs. who knows...
im gonna just go get some more jasmine tea. i bought a bunch of yamamotoyama tea and ive been drinking it a lot. drinking a lot of it "cold brew" which just means i put water and tea in the mug and just run with it. i have this chi's home mug that's really cute. got kitties on it.
1.30.2021
had a job interview at walgreens yesterday. have an interview at the convenience store down by c's house tomorrow. 2 moar on monday.
1.4.2021
MY NEW BINDER GOT HERE TODAY!!!!!!!!! ive been feeling like shit for the past like two weeks because my old binder gradually stopped working and ive had to wear bras its been really hard for me i hate it. i got home and my binder package was in the mailbox im SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! im wearing it now under a baggy t-shirt and i can finally recognize myself in the mirror again!!!!!!!!
1.3.2021
i love being a bisexual catboy. time to take a shower!
1.2.2021
this entry is cancelled because youtube just recommended me a fanmade bakudeku pv to the song no children by the mountain goats and any time i try to have a thought about anything else it's impossible. i can't handle this. i don't mean this like i ship bakudeku and i love the pv. i'm having the opposite reaction. how do you look at a real piece of art and just
you heard the lines "i hope we both die" in a real song by a real band and you made it bakudeku you made this you sat down someone sat down and they drew every single frame of this video this took time this took effort
i literally can't handle this this is such a raw song about a toxic hateful relationship and someone heard it and was like "BAKUDEKU!" like im sure they were 16 years old but the effect produced is still so surreal
what if john darnielle saw this how would he feel what would he say
you took a song of a man pouring his heart out and you make a bakudeku pv to it
like i used to joke to myself that the mountain goats wrote this song about bakudeku because the idea was fucking hilarious i didn't think anyone would ACTUALLY
i can't handle this this is a real song and the person who made thi;s needs to apologize to the mountain goats righ tnow
like im not judging anyone i dont believe in cringe culture or else my site wouldnt exist but like the surreal effect produced by this video which i won't link because i don't want to hurt anyones feelings
i absolutely cannot handle this
just go on youtube and look up "i hope we both die bnha" youll find it
like a kid made it im sure theres nothing wrong with it but its existence has completely wiped out my cognitivev functions
i am NOT ovverreacting
i had a whole entry planned but i can't write that because this is the rest of my whole night now
john darnielle wrote the song no children about bakudeku
john darnielle wrote the song no children about my relationship with bnha
john darnielle wrote the song no children about my relationship with bakudeku
1.1.2021
WE DID IT, KIDS.
we survived the worst year of ALL TIME.
also hi, i haven't written in like. too many days. in fact, so long that the layout of this page has gone and changed itself completely on me. i like it. do you? it was inspired by some very minimalist diaryland layouts i've seen from people still updating their diaryland. i love that there are people doing that, it's very tender to me, and those cryptic, minimalistic diaries that i read cuts into my heart directly like a pastry.
so, let's play catch-up a little bit?
i got to spend christmas with c. last year at christmas, i was across the country with my family, struggling, and c comforted me by saying that we'd spend next christmas together. and, despite everything that's happened, we did. we made it. and i think that means we have something. does it look like a shining ball of light?
do i sound incoherent? i slept all day today. and i haven't written in a while. i think maybe something's wrong with me? i've been a little bit indecisive over the past few days. not terribly though. i finished my brilliant friend yesterday. i need to write some kind of review for it before i start my new books.
i'm very sleepy, i slept all day and i spent most of the day in c's arms. now i'm back in my room. c is the only person i see outside of being at my house, so i'm being responsible.
i'm very sleepy, i might go to bed early, tomorrow i'm going to try to clean my room and answer some emails and write my novel and hang up my new calendar, i'm very sleepy, i can't wait to go back to sleep.
sooooo... i'm thinkin about it.